Trump's First 100 Days: Best Late-Night Jokes

Late-Night Jokes About President Trump's First 100 Days in Office

via Twitter

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"Yesterday Donald Trump spent the afternoon at the White House watching 'Finding Dory' with his family. Apparently in this version Dory couldn't be found because she was being detained at the airport." –Conan O'Brien

"You know how over the course of his time in office, over four years or eight years, the president gets old and his hair turns gray?

During this administration, instead of him, that’s going to happen to all of us." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Trump on Friday signed an executive order that bans citizens from seven predominantly Muslim countries from entering the United States for 90 days, bans refugees from entering the United States for 120 days. There were demonstrations in just about every major city yesterday. People went to the airport to protest. That's when you know people are mad: It's Sunday, they have no travel plans, and they go to the airport." –Jimmy Kimmel

See Also: Funniest Trump Inauguration Memes

"President Trump is still settling into the White House, and I read that Trump's gold curtains in the Oval Office are the same ones Hillary picked out for Bill Clinton in 1993. So she may not be president, but Hillary still figured out a way to throw some shade." –Jimmy Fallon

"Trump is trying to get down to business.

In fact, he met with the CEOs of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler this week, to try and convince them to make more cars in the U.S. In fact he even pitched them the idea for a new car: 'The Really, Really Smart Car (Smarter Than You'd Ever Believe, That I Can Tell You.)'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway actually punched a guy while trying to break up a fight at Trump's inaugural ball.

Though she says it wasn't a punch, it was an 'alternative high-five.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, President Trump signed an executive order authorizing the building of the border wall. It's guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to send federal troops to Chicago. The weird part is, not the city, the musical." –Conan O'Brien

"A man and his 75-year-old mom survived being lifted out of their home during a tornado by sitting together in a bathtub. The man said the tornado didn't traumatize him but being in a bathtub with his mother did." –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump has called for an investigation into voter fraud during the presidential election. Trump said, 'I mean for God's sake, look who they chose!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tonight President Trump continued with his mysterious and puzzling claim that voter fraud cost him the popular vote in the election. He says 3 million to 5 million illegal voters chose Hillary over him. He knows if that's true he still has to be president, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump tweeted this morning, 'I will be asking for a major investigation into voter fraud, including those registered to vote in two states, those who are illegal, and' — he goes on to another one — 'even those registered to vote who are dead, and many for a long time.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"That's right, dead people voted. And I like that he added 'many for a long time,' which makes it seem like if newly dead people vote, you can forgive that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a tiny percentage, but there will be a major investigation. He must get to the bottom of why he is stuck with this horrible job he didn't want." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania." –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to The New York Times, the White House kitchen has been stocked with President Trump's favorite snacks including Lay's potato chips. And his Cabinet has been filled with crackers." –Seth Meyers

"US Weekly released their new cover story on Donald Trump's children and promised 'everything you didn't know about the Trump kids.' 'Is it their names?' asked Trump." –Seth Meyers

"According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there's one thing women love, it's a man who can lie." –Seth Meyers

"ABC will air a primetime special with President Trump tomorrow night, marking his first interview since taking office. Even though the interview hasn't even aired yet, Trump is already claiming it was watched by a billion people." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines. I guess he hasn't seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Senior aides to Donald Trump say they try to keep him from watching cable TV. And that's partly because the news channels upset him, but mostly because he's now bought over 300 NutriBullets." –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump announced he will nominate a new Supreme Court Justice sometime next week. Trump said, 'I just need a few more days to come up with someone completely unqualified.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It is true, I'm not making this up, he did call his inauguration day 'A National Day of Patriotic Devotion.' So today, Trump was accused of fascism by Democrats and plagiarism by Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump got his first approval rating numbers and they aren't good. His approval rating stands at 45 percent, which is the lowest in history for a new president. Or as his press secretary Sean Spicer put it today, 'The highest in history for a new president.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The number one thing on Donald Trump's mind right now is the election in November. He says that 3 million to 5 million illegal voters cost him the popular vote. There doesn't seem to be any evidence to support this belief but that doesn't matter." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm 100 percent convinced if given the choice, Donald Trump would rather have won the popular vote and lost the actual election than the other way around." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The New York Times used the word 'lie' to describe the president's take on this. But I don't know. A lie is when you say something you know isn't true. I think Donald Trump believes it. It's not so much a lie as it is a symptom." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Following President Trump's inauguration, the White House website no longer has an option for translation into Spanish. So, sorry, Mexican immigrants, if you want to live here, you'll just have to learn to speak Russian." –Seth Meyers

"President Trump today met with the leaders of Fiat, Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors. And he asked them one question, 'How many people do you think were at my inauguration?'" –Seth Meyers

"Oscar nominations were announced today with Meryl Streep nominated for 'Florence Foster Jenkins,' Natalie Portman for 'Jackie,' and Hillary Clinton for smiling her way through the inauguration." –Seth Meyers

"Even though our studio can only hold 200 people, Donald Trump's press secretary says we've got 2 MILLION people here tonight! We're just a few days into Donald Trump's presidency. And I don't know what Trump's fitness initiative is, but because of him, millions of women got their steps in this weekend." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Women's March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump's inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, 'Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday was Donald and Melania Trump's 12th wedding anniversary. When asked what the traditional 12th anniversary gift is, Trump said, 'I don't know, I've never made it this far.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House has admitted that Donald Trump did not write his inauguration speech. The speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker." –Conan O'Brien

"There were marches across all seven continents, including Antarctica. To be fair to Trump, the protest in Antarctica was just the March of the Penguins." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, 750,000 protesters attended the Women's March in downtown Los Angeles. The last time this many women gathered in downtown L.A., it was to testify against Bill Cosby." –Conan O'Brien

"Friends say Hillary Clinton is thinking of writing another book. This book's tentative title is 'Happy Now, [Jerks]?'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Trump did draw a huge crowd over the weekend. On Saturday between 3 million and 5 million people, mostly women, gathered to support him — was that what they were doing? — in New York, L.A., Chicago, and Washington, D.C." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There were protests in all 50 states. In 32 countries. They say it was the biggest protest in American history. Can you imagine having that many women get mad at you?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"On the opposite end of the female empowerment spectrum, tonight on ABC we had a new episode of 'The Bachelor.' The women packed up their emotional baggage for a visit to Nick's hometown in Wisconsin. Never has a group of women pretended to be more excited about going to Wachesaw, Wisconsin, than tonight." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During his inaugural address on Friday, President Trump said, quote, 'The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.' Wow, the good news just keeps coming for 3 Doors Down." –Seth Meyers

"During his inaugural address President Trump said that the ideology for his administration will be 'America First.' Which also happens to be Putin's ideology. 'America first, then we go into Ukraine, then Eastern Europe…'" –Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton said yesterday that the images of the Women's March were 'awe-inspiring.' Adding, 'Nice to see you all come out in full force, finally.'" –Seth Meyers

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