World Cup Jokes

Best Late-Night Jokes About the 2014 World Cup

World Cup Meme

See Also:
Latest Late-Night Jokes
Classic Late-Night Jokes
Donald Trump Jokes
Hillary Clinton Jokes


"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon
 
"Germany was really excited about the World Cup win. When asked what they're going to do next, Germany said, 'We're going to invade Disney World!'" –Jimmy Fallon
 
"At the World Cup, Germany defeated Brazil 7-1.

Germany really mauled Brazil. In fact, Angela Merkel scored two goals." –David Letterman
 
"Germany took care of Brazil. Now it's on to Poland, Austria, and Czechoslovakia." David Letterman
 
"Yesterday, Brazil lost to Germany in the World Cup semifinals by a score of 7 to 1. People in Brazil were so upset that they partied only until 3 in the morning." –Seth Meyers

"FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for 9 games. Or as Suarez put it, 9 meals." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. lost to Germany today, but because FIFA rules dictate that teams get one point for a tie, three points for a win, and zero points for a loss, and both the U.S. and Portugal had a score of four, and because the U.S. had a higher goal differential, the U.S. still advances. That's the rules — and that in a nutshell is why Americans don't follow soccer." –Conan O'Brien 

"The American men's soccer team advanced to the knockout round in the World Cup after a victorious defeat by Germany." –Craig Ferguson

"The World Cup has an official song. The official anthem is 'We Will Find a Way.' It narrowly beat out the other contender, 'I Feel Someone's Teeth in My Shoulder.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts." –Conan O'Brien 

"England was knocked out of the World Cup.

It's the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of 'Game of Thrones.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During the World Cup, Uruguay is playing Italy and one of their players bites an Italian player. How many of you folks have ever been bitten by a Uruguayan?" –David Letterman

"FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament." –David Letterman 

"At the World Cup, Uruguay's Luis Suarez bit a player from Italy's team. It's the third time he's done it. The last time he bit a Chinese player and then claimed he was hungry an hour later." –Conan O'Brien

"I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It's just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup." –Craig Ferguson

"After a tie with Portugal in the World Cup, the U.S. soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday.

And if the U.S. team beats Germany, they advance. If they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer again." –Conan O'Brien

"That’s the nice thing about the World Cup. We can be invested if we win. If we lose it's like: Oh, it's soccer, I don't care." –Conan O'Brien 

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson 

"People are disappointed by the World Cup match. I haven't seen this much disappointment since they announced Ben Affleck was playing Batman. Since Justin Bieber avoided jail. Since Honey Boo Boo's family went to a vegan restaurant. Since Whole Foods in L.A. ran out of kale." –Craig Ferguson 

"A tie in the World Cup puts the U.S. in a tough spot because the next game isn't until Thursday, so people in L.A.

have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours." –Craig Ferguson 

"Today at the World Cup, Mexico and Brazil ended in a 0-0 tie. Fun fact: Both teams were ordered by their coaches to abstain from sex. In other words, these guys can't score on or off the field." –Conan O'Brien

"Protesters at the World Cup got into trouble for burning American flags. It's a shame because children in China worked very hard to make those flags." –Conan O'Brien

"If you love soccer, you have to wait four years for a World Cup. It's like making an appointment with a VA doctor." –David Letterman

"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do — you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman

"The World Cup is underway. A lot of World Cup soccer players have been faking injuries to draw a penalty from the other team. Meanwhile, a lot of Americans have been faking following the World Cup." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was the start of the World Cup. It's that special time of the year when Americans in bars shrug, 'Well, I guess we're watching this now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hey, America's in the World Cup. Did you even know that? Experts say they have less than a 1 percent chance of winning the World Cup, and even their coach saidwinning is not realistic — all of which sounds like one hell of a pre-game pep talk." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

"The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, 'Remember, if you can't beat 'em — invade 'em.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday, the Iranian president tweeted a picture of himself all alone watching a World Cup game on television.

Yeah, then he watched his favorite show — 'It's Always Sunni in Philadelphia.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today is the start of the World Cup in Brazil. I know you guys know that. I'm telling Brazil. 'Hurry up. Finish the stadium!'" –Seth Meyers

"The World Cup starts today, which means you're all about to find out which of your friends lived in Europe for a year." –Seth Meyers